The rain came down and washed away the pain and doubt. How easy it was then, finding safety and warmth under the comfort of my favorite woolen blanket; lost in silence, but for the sound of the rain falling in the trees and on my roof; lulling me to a place where nothing existed but blissful happiness and the dreams of a young girl, longing to discover herself, the world, and the meaning of life.
It’s raining now and although I still find warmth and comfort under my blanket, still search for blissful happiness that I once dreamed of and still long to discover my true self, I am not a young girl anymore and sometimes feel my time is running out. I think of all the things I want to do, all the places in the world I have yet to see, and I feel an anxiousness deep inside that sometimes takes my breath.
Is it fear of not fulfilling my dreams before I die, regret for wasting so many years of precious time, or anticipation of what lies ahead? Possibly a combination of all of these…
Some say I’m being selfish, that I should be satisfied that I’m following my passion and using my talent in a way that brings me happiness and contentment, which most will never know; so why then do I want so much more? And why is it considered selfish that I do? Contentment is a feeling that’s always been fleeting in my life and not something that I necessarily long for or welcome, because with it comes a certain amount of complacency, of which I wonder if anything good can really come.
And so I’m constantly wandering; sometimes lost, sometimes on a very distinct and direct path, but stirring and mixing along the way nonetheless. My mother told me once that I’ll never be happy unless I have a certain amount of turmoil in my life and if I find myself running low, I’ll go out looking for it until I find it. I sometimes wonder if she wasn’t right.
What causes some of us to thrive and long for normalcy in our lives; to be satisfied with a daily routine that never waivers from week to week…month to month…year to year; while others run from it and fear that type of life and always want more, no matter how much we have? Are we free spirits trying to indulge in all that life has to offer, or simply lost souls trying to find our way?
Something to think about…..