Tag Archives: reality

Divine Intervention

Out of nowhere came this urgent need to reconnect with him. It had been several years but took only minutes before his voice was in my ear and he was damning me for reaching out again. I’d found him in limbo, which wasn’t actually surprising, he’d already done his stint in India, studying with the masters, becoming a Yogi and whoring the knowledge he’d gained for himself in order to survive. Always just trying to survive.

He was back in the states on the west coast, ready to head east if I gave the word. He was tired and just wanted to lie down, wanted to lie down with me. But I hesitated, as I always did, and no matter how brief or split second my pause, that was always the deciding factor.

We relived each moment spent, every truth ever told, forgave all the pain caused by endless lies and selfish deceptions. It was cleansing. It was cathartic. It was the most honest we’d ever been.

We said goodbye and promised to stay connected, though time slipped away and we never really did. Only after I found myself lost, once more wandering blind in the black abyss, did I reach for him again, only this time he did not come. I searched and quickly found that a brain tumor had taken my sage to the other side, just six months after we said our final goodbye.

I slipped deeper into the pit where no light could penetrate, lingering in my pain with no will to move from that place; and I stayed there for three long agonizing years. Until one night he came to me in a dream.

The next morning I searched and quickly found a message that previously had not been received. A comment left on a post he’d written after reading my words.

There must be something

Worse than being alone

More painful than lonely

Something other than death

Though I’ve yet to find it –

“I’ve been searching too. Nothing of value. I thought it was karma but it’s really just life. You move me with this one. This is powerful, this is truth…dying’s not so bad. I’m not haunting, but I am knocking.”

Death had changed me, for what I believed to be forever, loss had snuffed out my light and I knew there was no coming back; accepted as my fate to simply exist for my remaining days; until he threw a rope into the well of angst and urged me to climb out.

That changed me more than death could ever do, for in that moment I was reminded what my pain had allowed me to forget; there is no death, only a shift of worlds and our connection is never truly lost; and if he could throw me a rope from the other side of life, I could sure as hell reach out and take back mine.

~ jillterry 7.1.18

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The Silent Killer

the silent killer

Fear is a silent killer that comes in many forms, recognizable at times, well disguised at others; it slowly chips away at us. Breaking off pieces, sometimes chunks at a time, from the inside out until there is nothing left.

She tried again and again to express her heartfelt apologies and sorrow for the things that had transpired, the words slung like daggers straight to the heart; acquiescing it was her own fear and unknowing that spewed forth, when all she really wanted was answers to lingering questions, reassurance that all was not lost and to feel connected once more. But it was all to no avail.

For he could no longer see the goodness, feel the warmth from the light that emanated from within her; no longer cared or believed her claims of love. For the vile hurtful words penetrated deep, cutting like knives and instead of pulling them out and attempting to heal the wounds, he preferred to leave them there to fester, become diseased, possibly be the death of him, as a reminder that she was just like all the rest.

He refused to see or entertain the idea that circumstances beyond anyone’s control could possibly have been factors in the emotional outbursts that ensued. No span of time or space offered healing of any sort, for she no longer took him to that happy place, where he felt good about himself inside and out; there were others who filled that role now, others with whom he could relate and play, who took him away from the pain, if only momentarily, if only in his mind; and so he simply aimed to cast her out and forget, dismiss and toss her aside, throw her and her demons away, as a piece of trash that’s quietly hauled away and forgotten.

Forget that she had bared her heart and soul, exposed pieces of self that filled her with shame and she never wanted to relive again; doing so at his urging and prompting, all in the name of healing; things she had never shared with another living soul. Things she buried deep and locked away, sought to take to her grave, things he now knew and she wished he didn’t. She trusted him with everything and now he viewed her as nothing.

And even though he’d done the same, questioning her over and over about things that were of no consequence or didn’t exist anywhere but in his own mind, she eagerly answered every question he ever asked of her, trying to dispel that fear and reassure him; but none of that now mattered or was even a factor, for there was no rebuilding of their world; a world he once convinced her was built on a foundation of absolute trust, truth and love, like none other he had ever known.

And so she goes on, seemingly breathing but gasping for every breath, walking silently, alive but mostly dead; believing in nothing and no one; knowing that truth is but a lie, trust does not exist and true love is but a mere fable sought by romantics and faerie tale poets; and a surefire weapon used by womanizing men who seek nothing more than validation from countless women to remind them they’re alive.

A travesty she will carry through this life and all others…

©2013 jill
Jillterry.com


Truth

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Life goes on
Though not the way
Expected
Not the way
Intended

A purgatory

Somewhere between
Life and death
Living and dying

And I wondered

If in purgatory
There at least
Lived a chance

And if there did
I really hoped
I wouldn’t die

©2012 jill terry
jillterry.com


It’s too late

We both knew it had to end
Couldn’t go on the way it was
One of us had to say stop
I couldn’t find the will or strength

And now that he’s gone
Turned his back and walked away
I find my self wanting to tell him
All the things he needed to know
All the stones I never unturned

But he’s gone now
Maybe not forever
But who can live for one day
When this day holds
No hope
No promise

And memories of yesterdays
Are shrouded in darkness

©2012 jillie
Jillterry.com


I L L U S I O N

Imagining how it could be
Seeing how it really is
Makes me want to stop
Dreaming altogether –

©2012 jillterry


TRUTH AND CONSEQUENCE

It never ceases to amaze me
To what lengths people will go
To appease their own ego
To maintain the façade

Making themselves
And their lives
Appear more gradiouse
Than they actually are

How many would rather
Live a life built on lies
Rather than face
And admit their own truth

Its only when we accept
The true nature of things
That we’re able to find
True happiness

In ourselves
In others
In our lives
In our world

Embrace your own truth
No matter how ugly
For only in doing so
Can we set ourselves free

©2011 Jill Terry


TIS THE SEASON

White gossamer wings
Reflecting the north-flowing waters
Rapidly flying south

Grey clouds lowly hover
Looking as if to blanket the trees
Reflecting the heaviness
She feels in her heart

The sadness
That floods
Her soul

While others plan their festivities
To mark a time of giving thanks
All she can do is wander lost
Under a sunless sky

Watch the waves
Lap cold and lazily
Upon this desolate beach

Longing for that
Which is out of her grasp
Lingering taste
Of what she cannot have

Misery loves company
But she finds this untrue
As she sits alone
Along the rocky shore
Realizing there is no light
Left to guide her

Thinking perhaps there never was
Is possible was only a fleeting dream
And tragic darkness is her reality

How long she can withstand
Remains to be seen
Though she feels her self
Winding slowly down

And she’s neither the will
Nor the strength
To pull herself
From the depthless well

For even if she found a rope
And the fight within to climb
She would find no one waiting
Or holding the other end

Not of flesh nor of blood
But in spirit perhaps
That blows from her sight
With the first gentle wind

And what good is a rope
Tied to a tree
If not to end
Ones misery

© 2011 Jill Terry


AT WORLDS END

Silver and ebony
She is autumn’s child
At the height of her being
Living on fate

Moments of melancholy
Memories fade
Hope slowly wanes
Bringing fits of rage

Seeing and hearing
Things forced on her person
Swallowing them whole
Then choking and purging

Fighting her way
To another worlds end
Where no one has to hurt
Beyond the invisible

© 2011 Jill Terry


SMOKE & MIRRORS

None of this is real
It’s all just illusion
When I wake
I will find my self
Living my unlived life

Life unlived my living
Self my find will I
Wake I when
Illusion just all its
Real is this of none

©2011 Jill Terry


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