I hit the create button, which pops open a bright new page, and sit staring at the blankness; eventually adjusting the screen, for my eyes are beginning to burn. The door is open adjacent to my desk and offers fresh warm air and the sounds of nature, stirring in the woods just a step away; woods that have offered me shelter, solace, comfort and fear; echoed my screams, absorbed my pain; standing ever so vigilant in my darkest hours, as pillars of strength, in the decades I’ve lived under their canopy; ancient woods that I have become so familiar, but have never considered my own; echoing now, with an occasional barking dog, and the high-pitched voice of a child, somewhere off in the distance. I close my eyes and absorb it all, willing my mind to be silent, so that I can slip away into nothingness; but the silence doesn’t come.
For new death has come knocking upon my door, returning an old friend I thought had become a stranger, leaving me with questions I wish not to ponder; while another, more personal, circles back around, turning ever farther my one true friend, into a stranger I no longer feel that I know; and I cannot help but wonder if perhaps Poe was correct, in all that we see is merely a dream within a dream.
The child is gone and the dream slips evermore with each day that passes; I open my eyes and remember them all. Moments shared fading to memories; the laughter, the pain, tears of fear, joy, and sorrow; all the promises made in vain, built on a foundation I believed could not be shaken. Breathing truth, feeling the hand inside me held, falling apart, going back; plunging the knife of light into the impenetrable darkness. Riding the storm, floating on faith; digging deep into old forgotten wounds; embracing, surrounding, as pain comes and is released to waiting, healing hands. Ecstasy, travesty, a vortex of chaos swirling out of control; complete fulfillment, and gut-wrenching emptiness; all encompassing, and at the core, just love. Now there’s…
faith no more
no certainty or knowing
trust or believing
nothing left to smile the heart
just a beating mass of scars
and a horribly sad