Tag Archives: fear

It’s too late

We both knew it had to end
Couldn’t go on the way it was
One of us had to say stop
I couldn’t find the will or strength

And now that he’s gone
Turned his back and walked away
I find my self wanting to tell him
All the things he needed to know
All the stones I never unturned

But he’s gone now
Maybe not forever
But who can live for one day
When this day holds
No hope
No promise

And memories of yesterdays
Are shrouded in darkness

©2012 jillie


Running in Shadows

To the mountaintop he must fly
Already halfway there
For the beast awaits his arrival
Calling him out loud and hard

He stands intimidating
Proud and gloating
A show of power
This soulless prowler

Luring him deeper
Under its spell
Trying to wrap round
Get that final hold

But this night is different
The tables being turned
For he wears her love
Like a shield of armor

And this night
He does not
Fly alone

©2012 jillie

In this silence I believe…

First cut Solar Plexus
Vertical toward Crown
Counterclockwise he travels
Adding three more

Meticulously concentrated
With precision skill
Graceful fluidity
Masking exerted energies

Intently confident
A master at his craft
Superior abilities balanced with
Sheer will and determination

This perfect stranger
Fate forced upon my path
Whose concern I feel
Compassion openly shown

Determined to make me well
Give me exactly what I want
While doing everything just right
Guaranteeing quality of life

Of which this stranger
Cares and believes
That I, also a stranger
Absolutely deserve

My last night in lockdown
My final in captivity
My body disease free
Major organs removed

Final meltdown
Alone I sit recovering
In this silence I believe
As the rage subsides in me

Realizing he did more
Than simply remove diseased tissue

With the very first incision
He unchained my soul
From the demons had latched on
And for so long been in total control

He untangled the jumbled mess
Of my heart, my soul, my mind
He left me in-tuned and balanced
A shifted outlook on life

Centered on my self
The core of my very being
Coming to the end
The first book of my life

Filled with passion
Raw, unfiltered desire
Not a single want to look back
But to start penning the sequel

Of which I alone
Am the shining star
Having found my own light
As I stand and walk silently away

From that rocky shore
That blackened abyss
Teeming with fear-filled monsters
Once known as my life

©2012 jillie

Don’t count me out ~

Sleep comes less easily
As time approaches
Worries set in

Fear becomes
Something entirely

So many things
I would take back
I would change

Already happened
Already too late

As I come to the end
Of this neverending chapter
I know how I want it to end

But my wants no longer
Seem to match my needs

And so I acquiesce…

Because it’s the only choice
Ive been given

The only thing
Left for me to do

And while I may be down
I am most certainly not out

Not in life
Nor in death

I will see my way
Across this bridge

And take what awaits
On the other side

What is rightfully mine
Always will be

And has been all along

©2012 jill

At the end of the day . . .

Sound of the waves
Caress of the sea breeze
Warmth of the sun

Knowing what awaits me
What too soon is to come
Taking a day alone
Just me my self and I

Contenplating the universe
Sorting my internal mess
Watching my certainty
Ebb and flow with the tide

Silent prayers rising up
That somehow someway
Fate will be kind

And something more
Out there awaits me

Yet at the end of the day
Uncertainty still lingers

©2012 jill


Silver and ebony
She is autumn’s child
At the height of her being
Living on fate

Moments of melancholy
Memories fade
Hope slowly wanes
Bringing fits of rage

Seeing and hearing
Things forced on her person
Swallowing them whole
Then choking and purging

Fighting her way
To another worlds end
Where no one has to hurt
Beyond the invisible

© 2011 Jill Terry

Reason for Existence

He knew
Without question
Simply no way to explain

Heartaches torn from words
Words torn from heartaches
Cold freezing touches
From the wicked wicked ghosts
Ghosts of Life Past

Blinding love
Illuminating pain and fear
Pain and fear blinding love
Illuminating distance and space
Clutching at familiarity and fleeting comfort

Trepidation ruling emotion
Fear of the unknown
Disaster plan in motion
Tragedy expected and prepared for
Never bearing fruit
But damage inflicted regardless

Simplicity all that is required
An elegance in reality

He loved her
She loved him
Should be the only ingredient
The only requirement

But nothing is ever that simple
Elegance never truly exists

He must, then, simply
Pray and hope
Petition the Gods
Sacrifice to the Fates

That he
Might be

Her raison d’être

© 2011 Jill Terry


She sat in the corner, listening to the deafening sound of silence, the room cold and dark, but for the faint amber glow of the accent lamp that illuminated the edge of her desk. She looked at the untouched plate of food and her stomach recoiled at the sight. She needed to get rid of it, the smell that she hadn’t noticed until it visually invaded her space, suddenly making her nauseous; but she was too numb to even think, much less get up and take it to the kitchen. She managed enough motion to touch the edge of the plate with her fingertip, and slowly push it away, until it tipped then disappeared over the side of the desk into the waiting wastebasket below.

She didn’t understand how she could feel so much pain, when it was emptiness that filled her now; how it could be that she found herself living for a dream that at moments such as this seemed absolutely hopeless; on her knees, futilely begging him to see, that he’s everything she ever wanted and all that she needs. Wondering if it was as easy as it seemed, for him to walk away and leave her there; lost and alone, spiraling out of control in a grief-stricken meltdown of epic proportion; her fragile strength slipping away completely when he told her, quite simply, No.

There was no stopping the flow of tears or gut-wrenching sobs, as images flashed from an internal reel, and the one she kept coming to over and over, was the sweet sadness that filled his eyes; sadness that revealed the depth of his own anguish and pain, over what had transpired and become their situation.

She saw herself reach out and gently touch his face, telling him she loved him, kissing his sweet lips, feeling for the first time that she alone, was enough; and she wished in that moment she could have left this plane of agonizing existence, wrapped in the warmth of his sheltering embrace, having closed her eyes and simply drowned in his love.

©2011 Jill Terry


It was, perhaps, the first time she ever actually sat in his presence for any length of time, without him being surrounded by his entourage; able at last, to cast her full attention upon him, and him alone. He was different than the rest, this she had always sensed, but sitting and listening to him, purpose and thought given to all that he said, only confirmed what she already knew. She found comfort in their closeness, and didn’t want the ride to end.

Having reached their final destination, it did end, all too soon; but while her attention was diverted elsewhere, he was never far from sight and ever present in her mind.

Then something unexplainable happened, as she stood before that looming historic landmark, and she looked around curiously to see if anyone else had felt it, but it appeared that no one had. She followed the others inside and was delighted by the checkered floors, the pillar columns, the open balcony and the matching chandeliers that lit the foyer. They entered the auditorium and she was awestruck by the beauty and elegance surrounding her; feeling very small and insignificant within the grandeur of that room.

They made their way to the balcony, took their seats, his being only two down from hers, and while she could hear the incessant chatter somewhere in the back of her mind, she paid no attention, as her thoughts drifted elsewhere; transporting her to a time and place very far away, known only in her imagination, yet feeling so very familiar.

The lights dimmed and an audible hush fell across the audience, as the enormous chandelier made its slow ascent toward the muraled ceiling. Unbeknownst to her, she was on the edge of her seat, gripping the railing, her eyes glued to the sparkling crystals, while just a few feet away, his eyes were glued on her. The first notes of the orchestra sounded with a boom, reverberating throughout the entire room, and she jumped in her seat, as a delighted smile that matched his own, played across her face.

The music continued, as a story unfolded, playing out inside her mind. She didn’t know what it meant, only the way it made her feel; and as the second movement crescendo built to a powerful, emotionally charged climax, she felt the tears well in her eyes. She slowly turned to look in his direction and found he had already done the same, their eyes locking in a powerful gaze; and in that moment, everything was felt and understood, that their words had never expressed; his soul mirroring her own, his heart offered up within his hands, his eyes conveying it was hers for the taking.

The remainder of the symphony was lost to her, as her thoughts replayed that moment, over and over inside her mind, so as to be certain what she thought was real had not simply been imagined; concluding that surely it must have been, for he was so far beyond what she could ever hope to have that her mind convinced her it was nothing but illusion, born of her yearning heart.

It was late and the ride back was especially quiet. She sat behind him, off to his left; so that each time they passed under a street lamp, his profile was illuminated in the muted light, yet clearly she could see the faraway look on his face, and couldn’t help but wonder what it was he was thinking.

So close she could reach out and touch him, her desire intense to do just that; if only for a moment, to feel the softness of his hair, the muscles tense beneath his shirt, the beating of his heart beneath the palm of her hand…

But she didn’t.

And soon the city was nothing but a memory, the lights left far behind; as darkness settled on them, transforming him once more to nothing but a shadow; unattainable from her grasp, ever present in her heart, left to forever haunt her thoughts.

©2011 Jill Terry

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