Category Archives: loss
Have a holiday party to attend tonight and absolutely do not want to go. This year feels harder. Last we were still spiraling in a whirlwind of chaos, but this year all is calm and there’s way too much time to think. I just don’t want to paint on a happy face and pretend to be engaged in celebration, but I’ll go and make an appearance, because not doing so would be rude. A gesture of gratitude for being invited, and giving what little I can, because that’s what we do.
I lost my first love to death at nineteen, chased his ghost for a decade; trying to find him, trying to find who I was without him, until I met the mate of my soul; found love with him so true and unconditional that I was totally free just to be and discover me. Now too, I have lost that love to death – my greatest love, my true love, my last love; and while I know exactly who I am now, don’t have to search or chase his ghost, for I see and feel him everywhere, in every thing, I can’t get past the pain of my broken heart to even fill my lungs with a full breath. Love changed us, it made us better, it created precious life from the best of both of us, it saved us more than once and his death has changed me still more. If I could feel anything past this pain perhaps I could find a way to peel my self off the floor.
~ jill terry 7.7.16