She was sending texts from the hospital, waiting for the doctor; nervous, as this day has been long in coming. I told her to find a Zen spot and focus. She said she didn’t know if she had a Zen spot; I laughed and told her that’s why she needed to find one!
She laughed, nervously, and said she hoped she was able to find one. It’s something she always talked about, then for a while simply gave up on; as the chances were slim and even if, would be high risk. But she’s done so good, right up until just a few days ago. Granted there were times I followed closely down the hall behind her, or caught her doing something she didn’t need to be doing, sent her back to her office and completed the task for her. But through it all she’s been strong, positive, hopeful, and whether she realizes or not, absolutely glowing.
She lost her mother a few years ago and I know that’s been weighing heavy on her heart, wanting her here to share and receive the support only a mother can give. I felt helpless, wanting to do something more for her, but all I had to offer were my words. And so I gave her these…
Just know that every path you’ve ever chosen or followed has led to this moment…
She responded back immediately; “That’s why I needed you…Words of Wisdom,” and I knew then I’d given her exactly what she sought from me and I needn’t worry about not being there to hold her hand, feed her ice chips or help her breathe. My job was done and I knew she was going to be fine.
I thought about her as soon as I woke this morning, walked out of the bedroom and found my own 6’ little man laying on the sofa already ready for school, and was immediately transported thirteen years into the past. I sat down beside him and took him there with me.
The first time I held him, laying in recovery; looking over and seeing my dad walking toward me with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen, carrying that precious bundle of life, gently cradled in his big, powerful arms; walking up beside me and placing him in mine.
My demanding that he not be taken to the nursery, but remain in my room with me, for fear that someone would snatch him away; my hand touching his little body the entire night; his little chest rising and falling, feeling empty, yet fulfilled that he was no longer inside me, but slept peacefully at my side.
Nurse Ratched towering over me, not giving me a chance, not showing an ounce of patience; telling me instead that if I didn’t get him to eat she was going to take him away and make him eat! Immediately called my mom, freaking out, in tears, get here quick I said, you can have your breakfast later. And the relief I felt the moment she walked through that door, came straight to the side of the bed, picked up the bottle, put it to his lips, rubbed his little cheeks and he immediately started sucking.
Thirteen years of moments shared; joy, laughter, tears, fears, amazing accomplishments, life lessons learned; and a love the likes of which I have never known, nor will I again; the love between a mother and her child.
He had tears in his eyes by the time I finished, stood up and hugged me tight, then thanked me for being his mom. I love that more than words can say, but as I stood before him, looking up into those same beautiful blue eyes and that face I so cherish and adore, I couldn’t help but remember those times when I thought to myself, I couldn’t wait till he was old enough to…
And now, as my friend anxiously awaits the arrival of her own son, I wish that I could bundle mine back up and keep him with me always.
© 2011 Jill Terry