Uncomfortably numb

It started out as an “oh, by the way,” and ended in mild confrontation. Her doctor having suggested she start weaning herself from her medication; mothers little helpers that alter the chemicals in her brain and make her happy; even when she’s not; a dose taken daily, sometimes twice, for four long, numb years.

Fuck weaning…she quit cold turkey and had been cruising along just fine; focusing and channeling her own energy; aligning her chakras; becoming one with the universe and when necessary, curing her pain with chi-gong. She was pleased with her progress, pleased with her self for taking this step; this monumental step on her path to healing.

“Well, what the hell happens when you have another episode?” he paused only long enough to take a deep breath. “I’ll tell you what happens, that’s when I call your doctor and tell him to deal with you…”

Episode; defined as moments when she becomes a crazy bitch; when the shit gets to be too much and she blows her stack, says what’s on her mind, what she thinks, what she feels; even if it’s not what people want to hear; fueled by anger, fear, frustration and overall hatred; for being forced to set her dreams aside and play a part in a game prescribed by society; a game in which she no longer wants to be a pawn.

He walked out without another word, she turned and walked to the bathroom, opened the medicine chest, shook out two blue pills, popped them in her mouth and chewed with malicious intent; savoring the painful bite that assaulted her mouth then swallowed without so much as a drop of water; wanting the bitter taste to linger.

She turned off the light, made her way down the hall, climbed in bed, set the alarm and called it another day.

~ by Jill on July 18, 2008.